Why can't they just call it "moisturizer"?

Everyone agrees, from dermatologists to the stars, to my long dead, but wrinkle free, paternal grandmother, that moisturizer is the shit. It doesn't have to be expensive- my grandmother used plain old Oil of Olay, as does one of my friends, who also has perfect skin.

Best used right after a wash or shower, moisturizer works, not by "being absorbed into the skin," as so many products claim, (because the very purpose of skin is NOT to absorb things,) but by creating a kind of barrier with water, that makes your outer layer of skin softer and more pliable. This is a good thing because not only does this barrier make you look nice, it maybe even diminishes the appearance of spots and wrinkles by plumping your face up, and if you use one with an SPF, it prevents sun damage.

Ok, enough with the science lesson. Recently I ran out of both my moisturizers at the same time. I was using Karin Herzog at night, and Eminence Stone Crop during the day. The Karin Herzog was starting to annoy me- it has hydrogen peroxide in it, which makes your skin glow, but also bleaches your eyebrows after a while. No, it was time to move on.

I started at the drugstore. Now, here is my problem. When did "moisturizer" stop being "moisturizer" and become... what were they calling it....? Oh, yes, at the drugstore we had  "Normaderm Anti-aging Hydrating Care". (That's from Vichy, a lovely inexpensive French company.) I was also confronted with "Olay Definity Intense Hydrating Cream" and  "Ageless Restoritives Energy Reneweal Day Lotion SPF 15." It is me, or are these things downright congressional? Like, what does "Definity" even mean?

The expensive lines are worse. These were my favorites (just the names- I didn't try any of em): "Primordiale Skin Recharge Cream", "Hydra Feel Unctuous Creme", "Dior Capture Totale Haute Nutrition Creme" and  "Skin Cavier Luxe Creme." And honestly, I for one, would never want to put something called "Guerlain Orchidee Imperiale Fluid" on my face! It just sounds dirrrty. Or "La Prairie Cellular Cream Platinum Rare". Which is fine, because it's 1000$! It's like they just took fancy words and put them together. It's rare! It's platinum! It's cream! All for a bit of mineral oil.

In the end, I settled on some REN Hydra-Calm Global Day Cream, because it was all natural and it smelled nice. But it's still just moisturizer.